I haven't posted here in forever, but I need a place to put this.

I was walking to a friend's house a few days ago, around 5:30 - just a little bit after dark. I came to one of the main streets, which isn't a particularly safe street, but there's no way around it, and stopped to wait for a gap in traffic so I could cross. There was a young-ish man also waiting to cross in the same direction, but on the other corner. He was in typical thug-wear: sneakers, t-shirt, baggy jeans down around his hips. I'm generally alert when I'm walking around anyway, so I noted his presence and went back to watching traffic. From the corner of my eye I saw him look at me and then walk over to my corner.

"How you doin'?" he said.

"Fine," I said, and then there was a handy break in the traffic, so I crossed, angling pretty steeply away from him, down towards the street my friends live on.

So far, whatever. Like I was saying in a recent discussion, I get hit on directly often enough that this wasn't particularly notable behavior. The disinterested response and walking away are usually enough.

But a moment after I stepped onto the sidewalk, I realized he was right behind me, close enough that if I'd stopped suddenly he would have run into me. Suddenly I felt like prey. Like I was being herded. I took a few more steps and then stepped slightly to the side and stopped, making a show of checking my pockets. He walked past me and I let him get a little way ahead of me before I started walking again. He slowed down. And slowed down more. And more. I stayed behind him, even though I was walking far slower than my normal speed. I was also walking far slower than I had been when he was right behind me. We finally reached the next corner and he crossed towards the post office, calling out to a group that was already over there. I turned and headed down the side street. Nobody followed me.

Afterwards, I had the conversation with myself that starts out "Was I over-reacting because he was black?"

I hate that conversation, even though it's necessary. I think what I hate about it is that I have a hard enough time trusting my instincts when it comes to my physical and emotional safety, and I don't want another reason to question them. :-(

I was waiting for a bus, late at night, in a residential neighborhood. I was nervous being out late at night, and looking forward to being on the bus, enclosed and with company. The bus came, and I got on. As the doors closed behind me I turned and saw that I'd left my keys sitting on the bench. I told the driver I needed my keys and tried to get off the bus, but he told me to sit down and started driving. I pushed the doors and couldn't get through, but I managed to make a gap and dropped through it to the ground, ducking so that the doors passed over my head. The driver was yelling at me the whole time. The bus continued uphill for a block or so, weaving madly, and then stopped. I was afraid the driver was going to come after me, so I ran between two houses.

 

I ran until I got to V's house (which was an actual house, not her apartment) and let myself in. V was asleep. I petted Raffi for a minute and then let myself out into the yard. V had woken up at the sound of the door and she came out to talk to me - I told her what had happened and that I was scared. She was sympathetic, but disapproving of the fact that I'd come to her. I wasn't sure how to get home, or even where home was.

 

***********************

 

Woke up thoroughly creeped out. Feeling trapped and unheard, and like having what I need requires a much darker, scarier path than I was expecting. Feeling like I can find momentary comfort, but that it's grudgingly given by the people I look to for it, and like I have nowhere to actually go and rest. :-\

 Rob Brezsny, as usual.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22):

What country has more sand than any other? With its vast deserts, Saudi Arabia has got to be near the top of the list. Nevertheless, the Saudi government forbids the export of sand, worrying that it might eventually run out due to its construction industry's demands for the stuff. This irrational fear reminds me of you, Leo. You, too, have a certain bountiful resource that will never be depleted -- and yet you're chronically worried that it will. Please adjust your thinking. It's an excellent time to get more realistic about the true nature of your abundance.

 My sun sign and rising sign, respectively, from Free Will Astrology.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22):

One of my friends on Facebook describes her vocation as "Hammer of the Gods." Her task in life, she says, is to be a tool that the divine powers wield as they nail together raw materials to make useful structures. While I don't know if that's also one of your long-range goals, Leo, I do know that it describes a role you'd thrive in during the coming weeks. So how about it? Are you ready to upgrade your game in order to be the best hammer of the gods you can possibly be?

 

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22):

Some years back, I maxed out my credit cards to pay for recording my band's CD. Soon afterwards, following a few financial setbacks, I was close to declaring bankruptcy. Luckily, my parents stepped in and bailed me out. (Thanks, Mom and Dad!) Since then, I've rigorously kept my debts to a minimum. That policy has, on occasion, cramped my style, but it looks pretty wise in light of the current financial crunch. Please draw inspiration from my experience, Libra. Take inventory of any patterns in your own life that may be distorting your ability to get the money and resources you need. This is an excellent time to flush your old conditioning and imprint yourself with good, new habits.

 I was visiting Thailand (I think). I'd been there before, and was on my way to see some people I'd met during my first trip. It was difficult to navigate in their house - it didn't make a lot of sense, and managed to be very big and very small at the same time.

 

One of the women and I went to a store because we needed a few ingredients for a meal. We walked in and saw the the store itself was below street level. There was a rickety scaffold with fabric slings/shelves between them, just below the two doorways. On the wall to the right, there were many boards nailed to the wall, maybe an inch deep and about 6 or 8 feet long. There were a few shorter ones ranged between them, and some products and other items propped here and there. The doorway was too high to jump down, and the woman I was with managed to maneuver her way down with handholds on the wall. I had no idea how to do that, and was scared and shaking. She and the two storekeepers were laughing at me because I was too stupid to get down. One of them said I was welcome to jump onto the couch, if I didn't mind the tall spike on the back of it - it was a tall, thin piece of metal, and being impaled on it wasn't my idea of fun. But it got me to look at the couch, which was heavy and obviously not going anywhere, and I edged out to sit on one of the fabric slings, and then the edge of the scaffolding. I lowered myself as much as I could, and leapt to the back of the couch, and from there onto a lovely red upholstered chair. They all stared at me as I stepped calmly down to the floor. The man said "But is there a way to get back up so easily?" I said "No, but I can give you some advice about getting back up." and started describing a climbing wall made with chunks of wood.

 

As we were leaving, through another door at floor level, I realized I'd taken my shoes off at the door, out of respect, and that I needed to get back up to them. I went to the shelving wall and used the shelves as handholds, bracing my back against the scaffolding, until I could grab my shoes. I came back down and picked some food items off the shelves - a package of rice noodles and a few other things. I looked down and saw Benjamin at my feet. He's a stuffed dog that I've had since I was 7, and that my mom had before me, since she was 7. He's pretty threadbare. I remembered that I'd left him here on the last trip and had asked the woman I was staying with to get him from the store and keep him safe. I picked him up and took him with me.

I see these little messages on my walk to work every day. They're chalk, so they get washed away, but whoever does them keeps on replenishing them, day after day.

Also, maple butter = joy. It's like someone scraped out the gooshy innards of boxes and boxes of maple sugar candy and then dumped it in a jar to cheer me up.

I dreamed I was living with fatheadhippo in a 3rd floor apartment with a front porch. I went out one day and there were people all over the porch, talking and chatting and sitting at tables I didn't remember. I looked out over the railing and... Burning Man was happening. Right outside my house. There was desert as far as I could see and I could hear the thumpy rave music. I sat down with this one woman who was pregnant and started talking to her. We got along really well. I told her I was still thinking about getting a ticket, especially since I didn't have to worry about actually camping, what with my apartment being right on the outskirts and everything. One of the guys at the next table over was loud and irritating and wouldn't shut up (OMG, the shock). I hoped he wouldn't be hanging out there too often.

Then I dreamed I was taking the bus and not getting anywhere. And I kept losing my shoes and it made me cry. There was another part, but I forgot it.

Then I woke up and it was 4:30 AM and something outside my window was making strange noises and I'd gotten a whopping 1.5 hours sleep. This evening I'm helping fatheadhippo with last minute packing and prep for her trip to Hawaii. She leaves tomorrow morning. Tomorrow afternoon/evening I have shopping/sushi/movie/cuddle plans. Wednesday I have dinner plans. Thursday I have dance class. Perhaps I will just save up and sleep all weekend.

I've been playing with tarot cards lately, as a way to frame my state of mind. They've been disturbingly accurate in pinpointing things to work on. So I just asked what I need to do to get through the day, and drew the 7 of Swords - Uselessness. The meaning behind that one is scattered energies and depression. The need to leave a situation for new possibilities. I'll take that as "Get out of that job. Making plans will cheer you up."

The weird thing is, I've drawn that card in the past three readings I've done. It's a 62 card deck (Major and minor arcana - I don't like the court cards). I don't know what the chances are of that, because my math functions have gone to hell from exhaustion. The other two times I drew it were questions I was asking about my relationships with a couple of important people, and I drew it reversed, which is a prompt to deal with any feelings of uselessness. Which, again, disturbingly accurate.

Anyway, I have to go shower and eat some Froot Loops and leave for work. It would be very sad if I ended up late at this point.

On my way to work I was trundling down the street, about to cross 12th, when I looked down and saw a pigeon fluttering in the street. Being me, I scooped it up and carried it to the sidewalk, disregarding the fact that I was late to work already and also, blargh, disease vector. It was calm while I was carrying it, and it didn't have any obvious injuries, but one wing was not functioning, and it wasn't able to walk either. It started writhing around after I put it down, freaking out. :-( At one point it bent its head way back and was just tweaking. I didn't know what to do, unless I was going to put it out of its misery, but honestly, things are being teh suck lately and I didn't want to add innocent pigeon blood on my hands. Or boots. So I left it by a little grassy space. And felt all "EW EW EW EW PIGEON GERMS" all the way to work, too.

I hate it when ALL the choices feel shitty.

As I was walking home today I passed sprinklers in the grass. Their range was wide enough that the whole sidewalk was getting watered. I sidled by so as not to get wet, and then was like "WTF, self? SPRINKLERS."

So I dropped my bag in a dry spot and went back to stand in the spray for a bit, giggling. Walked the rest of the way home with wet jeans, but it was worth it.

Yesterday was my 34th birthday, which I share with three of my friends, plus, apparently, Barack Obama. It was a little odd for me, because it also would have been my 10 year anniversary with V - if I hadn't broken up with her in May. :-\ There's a longer post in there somewhere, but I've barely done any writing lately. Instead, I've been setting up my new apartment, which is right down the hall from V's apartment. She's staying in the apartment that we were sharing. Pics will be forthcoming, eventually.

La la la.

So, birthday. Was quiet. V and I had our own little party the night before, and on Monday I went to work, did my thing, and didn't eat anything except a sandwich because I forgot my wallet. Then V came and picked me up because... I forgot my wallet. :-D She's awfully nice. She dropped me off at ziptie's house where somehow there ended up being a rangertarmac AND a SURPRISE(!!!) blueberry cobbler. Also, there were toe socks. Also, smoked herring and crackers, which were surprisingly good and offset the sugar rush from 3 servings of cobbler on an empty stomach. Also, I got lots of birthday messages and texts. I am feeling well cared for. Hooray. :-)

All emails = two sentences, starting now.

(Mind you, the policy does not apply to blog posts. I'll be wordy as ever here.)

Tor.com is giving away a whole bunch of e-books and cover art wallpaper. There's some gorgeous art in general, and a few really cool vintage covers. The only one of the books that I've read at this time is "In The Garden of Iden" - it's one of the Company/Dr. Zeus series, and I like it quite a bit.

Free books, nom nom.

1. I start a new job tomorrow, which I can walk to (yay!) and which will hopefully not be as rife with issues as the last one.

2. I have way too much shit going on in my head.

3. I have new sheets which are pretty much the awesomest sheets ever and are totally worth paying out the ass for.

4. I didn't eat today, except for a rice cake with avocado and Marmite, and an absolutely awful pretzel at the movie theater.

5. I should go rectify #4 right now.

Wish me luck tomorrow!

Go watch this. Episode three will be up tomorrow and it all goes away on Sunday.



Doogie + Captain Mal = <3 4EVA

This last job turned out to be not as good a fit as I'd hoped. Not going into details about that (although a couple of you know the issues already), but the upshot is, I'm looking for work. I'm really good at organization/infrastructure/general anal-retentiveness. Preferably in the Central District/Capitol Hill area, or easily accessible by bus from that area.

Halp?

Also, apologies to people on multiple friends-lists, since you're gonna see this, like 3 or 4 times. :-)

V was just reading the news online and showed me this headline:

Faulty lamp sparked blaze at Burner's home

V: Did you know about that?
H: Uh-huh.
V: Who was it? Did you know them?
H (confused): Uh... Darcy Burner?
V: *blink* OH! I've been hanging out with you too long. *laughs her ass off*

I found out this morning that one of my friends from high school just died. Not that I'd been in touch with him since then. But yeah, massive stroke, brought on by fucking self-destructive bullshit.

Thinking about him always made me smile, right before I'd think "Jeez, I hope he's ok..." I can't remember my chem teacher's name, because A always called him "Boss." I wanted him to write a fucking book, just so I could get an idea of how his brain worked - he was wicked smart. He was also inextricably linked with Hunter S. Thompson in my head. I almost never had a conversation with him because I never thought he'd want to talk to me. And I still considered him a friend. And I'm not surprised by the news, but I hate that he's not in the world anymore.

I guess I'll just leave it at that.

<3

The world's only Official Jewish Tartan.

I had no idea there was a need for this.