I dreamed I was living with fatheadhippo in a 3rd floor apartment with a front porch. I went out one day and there were people all over the porch, talking and chatting and sitting at tables I didn't remember. I looked out over the railing and... Burning Man was happening. Right outside my house. There was desert as far as I could see and I could hear the thumpy rave music. I sat down with this one woman who was pregnant and started talking to her. We got along really well. I told her I was still thinking about getting a ticket, especially since I didn't have to worry about actually camping, what with my apartment being right on the outskirts and everything. One of the guys at the next table over was loud and irritating and wouldn't shut up (OMG, the shock). I hoped he wouldn't be hanging out there too often.

Then I dreamed I was taking the bus and not getting anywhere. And I kept losing my shoes and it made me cry. There was another part, but I forgot it.

Then I woke up and it was 4:30 AM and something outside my window was making strange noises and I'd gotten a whopping 1.5 hours sleep. This evening I'm helping fatheadhippo with last minute packing and prep for her trip to Hawaii. She leaves tomorrow morning. Tomorrow afternoon/evening I have shopping/sushi/movie/cuddle plans. Wednesday I have dinner plans. Thursday I have dance class. Perhaps I will just save up and sleep all weekend.

I've been playing with tarot cards lately, as a way to frame my state of mind. They've been disturbingly accurate in pinpointing things to work on. So I just asked what I need to do to get through the day, and drew the 7 of Swords - Uselessness. The meaning behind that one is scattered energies and depression. The need to leave a situation for new possibilities. I'll take that as "Get out of that job. Making plans will cheer you up."

The weird thing is, I've drawn that card in the past three readings I've done. It's a 62 card deck (Major and minor arcana - I don't like the court cards). I don't know what the chances are of that, because my math functions have gone to hell from exhaustion. The other two times I drew it were questions I was asking about my relationships with a couple of important people, and I drew it reversed, which is a prompt to deal with any feelings of uselessness. Which, again, disturbingly accurate.

Anyway, I have to go shower and eat some Froot Loops and leave for work. It would be very sad if I ended up late at this point.

That's way too much like me when I'm home alone. Click the pic for more!

Yesterday V was taking me through a meditation that she was working on for her sutra study group. It was about letting all your roles fall away. I was letting my mind go in and around what she was saying, and it came up with "What I do is not what I am, but who I am informs what I do."

Kinda brought home the importance of surrounding myself with people who have compatible ethics. I mentioned it to V and she said something about having congruence between your self and your surroundings. Got a lesson in that over the past week. *twitch*

More on that later.

Also, as I was sitting there, I got a little synaesthetic flash of myself. !!! It was about what I expected, which was congruent of me. No, really. It was satisfying that I've been aware enough of myself not to be making shit up.

Ok, here's my massive update. Hopefully it makes sense. :)

The flights were just fine, despite delays at SeaTac. I got called for an extra security check on the way to my plane - after 3 hours of waiting to check in and then 20 minutes in the security line, including 5 minutes for them to go through my bag and pat me down, I had 15 minutes before my plane took off. And then it took off an hour and a half late anyway. So I had a couple of waffles at 7:30 in the morning and then no real food again until dinner, which was about 14 hours later. Well, I had a snack on the flight to NY, but it involved processed cheese food, which I ate b/c it was the only protein available, but then regretted it immediately. Ick.

El Al is my favoritest airline ever. I sorta liked the security checks, with all the questions and the dusting of my boots for... something. And the cute boy who escorted me all the way to the plane. The security didn't seem aggressive or belligerent, but then, I was just smiling and being cooperative the whole time. I told V I was prepared for a full-on orifice search if that was called for. I'm really glad it wasn't, though - I usually like to at least have a conversation before that sort of thing. And then all the signs were in Hebrew and English, and I switched seats with half of a newlywed couple so they could sit together, and we took off and everyone applauded, and I got all verklempt. And then they served dinner and I fell in love with every single one of the flight attendants. It was essentially airline food, and the cake was crappy [kosher meal, so no butter in it], but the bread and hummus were awesome and the rest was better than edible. I slept for a few hours and then we had breakfast, which was also good, although I have aesthetic objections to non-fat yogurt. It's been at least 3 years since I was given even ONE meal on a plane, so I was beside myself with lurve.

We landed in Tel Aviv, flying in through the sunset, and I was told that my bag was AWOL, so I went to the lost and found and filled out a form. Then I changed some money. On my way down, I passed above where the banks and phone rentals and stuff is, and there was a man down there dancing and waving to us, all of us, like he was so delighted that we were there. When I got to customs, there was a man playing the sax right outside.

My cab to the hotel went through a lot of backstreets, some of which were so dark and broken down that I started to get a little jumpy. It turned out that the hotel was one of those places that takes "non-smoking room" to mean "smoking room that's been aired out for a couple of hours." I'm allergic to cigarette smoke, so I walked in and went "Gack!" and then flung myself on the bed anyway b/c I was too tired to care. V called me and I cried at her for a while, b/c I was sleep-deprived and hungry and thirsty and kind of panicked.

Ok, I was really fucking freaked out.

She was nice enough to call a cell rental company and order a phone to be delivered the next day. I slept through most of Monday and got up around 3:00, right before my phone was delivered. I walked out of my room and there was some seriously enthusiastic sex going on down the hall. Earlier I'd gone down to check my email and there was an escort site up on the computer. Hee. I called V and then went and got food. I hadn't eaten for a little over a day at that point. :-\ Later that night, the guy next door to me had a visitor from about 11 until about 1 AM. Hence that previous blog entry. I wondered if they could hear me snorting mirthfully into my pillow.

Tuesday morning I took a cab to the train station and a train (well, two of them) north to Akko. We passed through orange groves and traveled along the coast for a while, so there was a beautiful view. When I got there I found a taxi to Misgav and then totally couldn't find the place I was supposed to be, even though Adi had given the driver directions, so I sat around outside the gym and wrote in my journal and got yelled at by a pretty little cat, who I'll post a picture of when I get home. There's tons of stray cats. I've seen a couple now with three legs, or one deformed leg.

I finally found the right place, had a snack, and then we started unloading the trucks. Set up went really quickly - moving tables and chairs and putting down mats for the sleeping areas, setting up low tables with mattresses around them and hanging tapestries in the dining hall. Putting up walls around the outdoor cooking area and organizing the food. Tal finally showed up right before the opening circle - I'd been wondering if I'd even recognize him, but I did. He waved at me from across the circle and I felt a little easier about being there.

I was able to borrow a sleeping bag for the first night. My bag arrived late Wednesday afternoon. Vera gave the delivery guy directions, and I'm so grateful for that.

The intensive I took from 9:30 to 12:30 every day was called "Dancing where ripples meet." Zohar, the teacher, is very lively. :) I loved the class - we did a lot of experimenting with falling, and getting comfortable with being off balance. I appreciated that a lot, as I have this tendency to just plant myself, and then my feet don't go anywhere when they should. One of the exercises was taking a small step back and shifting weight to the back foot. Zohar was telling us to pretend that we were taking a tray of cookies out of the oven - that the wrinkle under our butt was the tray and we had to slide it straight out. So then the rest of the classes he was all "Take your cookies out!" "Give them your cookies!" "Grab your cookies!" Hee! But my favorite exercise was when we got into pairs and one person lay down on the ground and their partner had to annoy the living shit out of them in whatever way worked. I think I liked it b/c I like being able to voluntarily give up control. It's scary as hell, but this was a safe space for it. I don't have enough places to do that, or enough people that I trust enough to hand them the reins.

Mmmph. I think I'll explore the rest of that thought elsewhere.

But it brings me to this: I was reflecting on how this trip fits nicely into the theme that keeps coming up in my life lately. It's been an excellent exercise in letting go. I had to let go of my luggage for a while. :) I also had to let go of the expectation that I could be as social as I wanted to be and dance as much as everyone else. I didn't take any classes other than the intensive, or go to any jams. I got up at 6 AM and did the breakfast shift, and then did the intensive and then just chilled for the rest of the day. I had to get to a place where I was ok with that, even if people kept asking me why I wasn't dancing more. Seeing how burnt some of them were towards the end really validated that decision, though. The last thing I needed was to drain myself and then come back to the city and be on my own. I took today off, too - did some laundry, enjoyed the quiet, organized my stuff. I have a room to myself at the moment. It was nice to be alone and quiet. Generally, I'm just trying to practice being totally present, doing whatever I'm doing with whoever I'm with.

Part of me wants to stay here forever. The weather is beautiful, there are flowers blooming everywhere, the ocean is awesome and close and the beach is all soft and sandy. Part of me wants to be home with V and the kitties. I am distracted and frustrated and still scared. But I'm here and I'm happy and I have some seriously fantastic cheese and a jar of Nutella.

I'll probably go into more detail about the greenhouse later. Tomorrow the city week starts and I have a 6 hour intensive and a 2 hour class after dinner. So next blog update - or next significant one, anyway - will likely be on the 31st.

Love to all of you.